Passion...what's really real???

So I grew up thinking that I should do what I love. If I wanted to do something and it made me happy I should go for it. In high school I realized that I wanted to be a publicist. I wanted to work in public relations. I followed my dream and went to college for public relations.

I did multiple internships, I had good grades, I was active in school and I tried my best to learn the tools necessary to try to perfect my craft.

I WILL NOT BE TELLING MY CHILDREN TO DO WHAT THEY LOVE.

How the hell do you even know that what you kids love today they will love tomorrow?

I hope to tell my kids to make a list of a few things they love and think they will be good at. I want them to rank the jobs from highest paying to lowest paying and select one of the top two.

Don't get me wrong, I love publicity and public relations and I know I'd be good at it; but my real love is my family and my friends and PR won't get me more time with them. I never thought about things like publicity salaries and career stability and longevity. I never thought about how it would affect my personal life.

I want my children to grow up to be successful, financially stable individuals who are able to work hard and play hard. During almost all of my PR internships, most people didn't seem to have children and families. They made a small amount of money compared to the work they put in. Do they love what they do yes, but does it affect their personal lives....hell yes.

Working in property management, there is lots of job stability. If my company closed down tomorrow, I could work at 79 other properties they manage or work for one of the million other apartment complexes that are in the area. The money is great and there is lots of room for growth. I feel like I'm making my grandmother and father proud because they work in real estate as well.

I'm glad I'm finally on a stable career path. I appreciate this job soo much and I appreciate the people who stood by my side when I didn't have a job.

Friends, family, partner....I love you ALL.

Slipping, falling and crawling out of a hole

So for a year or so I struggled with depression. I couldn't handle not being employed. Financial independence is what I mostly associate success with. Side note: thank you Lex for inspiring me to update my blog.

So last night and today, I started to break down again. I fell into a state of panic and sadness. Truth is employment is the best thing that's happened to me all year. It may even be the best thing to happen to me for all of next year too. I'm working on being more positive and focusing on what can make me smile. This job really makes me happy. I make my own money, I pay my own damn bills. What more could you ask for?

I don't have any friends in the area yet. When I originally moved to Virginia, it was cool because I spent most of time with my partner. I know a couple of people down here but no one I can consistently rely on.

As I spend more time with myself I realize; it's not what I want. I'm using my job as a crutch to escape reality. I'd be happy working five days a week and spending time with family and friends when I'm not working. I don't really have that option. I like the fact that I work weekend because I don't have any friends to hang out with and people to be around.

Today I had an anxiety attack and mild mental breakdown. I need to shake this shit. I'm not going back to that deep, dark place again. I can't afford it. I can't take it.

I just need someone to extend a hand. Someone to be there. To be with me. I'm trying to be happy alone but it's just not me...or not yet. I need the attention of others, I want the attention of others. Won't someone just be my friend?

Ugh....over this shit.

What If We Could Create the Perfect Partner???

What if we could use magical powers to put together a male or female who could satisfy all of our basic and complex needs?

I won't go any further with this because I don't really like to talk about things that can't happen.

However, what if we could date/be with several people. This would essentially enable us to have everything we possibly wanted. Of course my boyfriend wouldn't go for this but imagine if our partners didn't have to worry about their flaws because someone else could fill in. It's like working on a team to ultimately complete a specific task or goal. I think it would be cool to stop asking my boyfriend to be affectionate...I wish I could just call random person X to fill in when he can't provide certain things. 

I know some of you are reading this and thinking that it wouldn't work. I guess there is the argument that this would lead to break-ups because what happens when random person X satisfies you more than your actual partner. Actually, none of you could be thinking or reading any of this because I don't give anyone the link to my blog lol. In fact, most of my friends don't even know that I have a blog. 

What if there was an agreement? Random person X could ONLY do what your partner wouldn't. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe each random person could only fulfill at the most two things. 

What the hell is a perfect partner anyways? Is it someone who fulfills all of your needs? Is it a person who fulfills 75% of your needs? Is it a person who makes you happy most of the time? Is it a person whose flaws you are ok with? How do I know that I have found my perfect partner? Is there a way to feel your partner is perfect? Is it stupid to even use the words perfect and relationship in the same sentence? 

This is just a little food for thought...Happy Sunday!

The BET Honors 2009

I gotta be real for a second...I did not get to watch the entire BET Honors, but I was humbled by the portion that I was able to watch.






I clearly have some personal battles to work through but it's time to put those issues to the side for a bit because...

IT'S BLACK HISTORY MONTH PEOPLE!

We need to take some extra time to look at our own accomplishments as well as those of our fellow counterparts. Big things happened this year and it's only February! I've been watching BET lately and it's making me feel good. I learned about people like Josephine Baker, Congressman James E. Clayburn and Judith Jamison.


Here I am pouting about the things I have trouble accomplishing and there are people; people a lot older than me who had it a lot harder than me and they are making things happen. I'm complaining it's hard trying to get an entry-level position when these present day heroes are vice-presidents becoming presidents, directors and founders transitioning into CEO's. I could go on and on and I don't even know how to express the pride I feel being labeled a black woman.


Being black and perservering and beating the odds is one of the ultimate reasons to strive to be better and to do better. To those reading (which is probably no one because I don't tell anyone about my blog lol) hold your head up high if you have overcome an obstacle today, or if you did yesterday or even if you plan to overcome one tomorrow.




Black is beautiful...black is power...black is WONDERFUL!

Angered and pissed and frustrated with a touch of aggresion

Thoughts are running through my head.

How can I tell my kids to go to college? To take school seriously. Where has my education gotten me? I see where it's gotten other people but what about me? No, I don't have kids or a mortgage but I'm 23 and educated...am I supposed to have these things? Everyone says its hard out there but I don't know one unemployed person that tells me it's hard.

Everyone is FUCKING employed. I know friends who have switched jobs three times.

WTF is going on?

I can't dig it.
I just can't.

I think about the jokes about people taking ten years to graduate and people wasting money on schools you see on TV and it's funny...they are better off than I am. A lot of them make decent salaries and have the means to provide for themselves.

Where did the "Syracuse degree" get me? Where did studying get me? Interning? Networking? Persevering? I got an answer for you: 61 Delaware Avenue...that's where it got me.

Home...

The same place I started once I was born. What progress have a made that is beneficial to me being an adult. What was the purpose of growing up and becoming an adult.

You know...the irony of all this is that I still sleep in my crib. It's converted into a bed now but I sleep in the first bed I ever had. I'm stuck in the same place except now...I actually understand that I'm screwed.

Where To Go...What To Do

So I am always wondering where to go and what to do. Hopefully this will catch on and people will share their fun experiences as well.

To all the Long Islanders who want somewhere local to go I recommend Friday's on Sunrise Highway in Rockville Center. After 10pm if you sit at the bar they have $4 drink specials and 1/2 price appetizers. Ask for Megan or Lance...they are great and they make a slammin Peach Mojito.

If you are in the city....BBQ's is always cheap, easy and fun. Cherry Bombs are my favorite but all their drinks are good.

If you are looking for something different...check out Zebu Grill. It's a Brazillian restaurant on 92nd between 1st and 2nd Ave. It's closest to 2nd Avenue. They have a three course pre fize menu for $25 but you have to pay with cash. The food was tasty and authentic, intimate and romantic. Try any of the Brazilian drinks...they are all EXCELLENT and they have a special menu for Valentine's Day for all the lovers out there.

Till next time...find a reason to smile.

- Dezi D

Riddle Me Selfish

Call me selfish, but I want it ALL.



I want a career, I want healthy relationships with my family, friends and my partner. I want to own my own property, I don't want any extreme debts and I want to be HAPPY with all those things.



Who knew it would take 365 days AFTER I finish my Bachelor's degree to realize that it may not help me get closer to these things.



Funny enough, unemployment has helped my relationship. Over the past year and a half I've had more time to spend learning to love. Am I lucky because finding love is easier than finding a job or am I screwed because there are more men than jobs in the world?



Anyways, the one thing I have learned over the course of my unemployment is that you have to do whatever it takes to put a smile on your face. For me, this has entailed me driving up and down 95 to see my boyfriend, shopping, partying and going to restaurants.



To all my fellow people who are unemployed, keep your head up...it's all you can do.



Kisses bitches! Feel free to give my blog ideas.