Slipping, falling and crawling out of a hole

So for a year or so I struggled with depression. I couldn't handle not being employed. Financial independence is what I mostly associate success with. Side note: thank you Lex for inspiring me to update my blog.

So last night and today, I started to break down again. I fell into a state of panic and sadness. Truth is employment is the best thing that's happened to me all year. It may even be the best thing to happen to me for all of next year too. I'm working on being more positive and focusing on what can make me smile. This job really makes me happy. I make my own money, I pay my own damn bills. What more could you ask for?

I don't have any friends in the area yet. When I originally moved to Virginia, it was cool because I spent most of time with my partner. I know a couple of people down here but no one I can consistently rely on.

As I spend more time with myself I realize; it's not what I want. I'm using my job as a crutch to escape reality. I'd be happy working five days a week and spending time with family and friends when I'm not working. I don't really have that option. I like the fact that I work weekend because I don't have any friends to hang out with and people to be around.

Today I had an anxiety attack and mild mental breakdown. I need to shake this shit. I'm not going back to that deep, dark place again. I can't afford it. I can't take it.

I just need someone to extend a hand. Someone to be there. To be with me. I'm trying to be happy alone but it's just not me...or not yet. I need the attention of others, I want the attention of others. Won't someone just be my friend?

Ugh....over this shit.