Passion...what's really real???

So I grew up thinking that I should do what I love. If I wanted to do something and it made me happy I should go for it. In high school I realized that I wanted to be a publicist. I wanted to work in public relations. I followed my dream and went to college for public relations.

I did multiple internships, I had good grades, I was active in school and I tried my best to learn the tools necessary to try to perfect my craft.

I WILL NOT BE TELLING MY CHILDREN TO DO WHAT THEY LOVE.

How the hell do you even know that what you kids love today they will love tomorrow?

I hope to tell my kids to make a list of a few things they love and think they will be good at. I want them to rank the jobs from highest paying to lowest paying and select one of the top two.

Don't get me wrong, I love publicity and public relations and I know I'd be good at it; but my real love is my family and my friends and PR won't get me more time with them. I never thought about things like publicity salaries and career stability and longevity. I never thought about how it would affect my personal life.

I want my children to grow up to be successful, financially stable individuals who are able to work hard and play hard. During almost all of my PR internships, most people didn't seem to have children and families. They made a small amount of money compared to the work they put in. Do they love what they do yes, but does it affect their personal lives....hell yes.

Working in property management, there is lots of job stability. If my company closed down tomorrow, I could work at 79 other properties they manage or work for one of the million other apartment complexes that are in the area. The money is great and there is lots of room for growth. I feel like I'm making my grandmother and father proud because they work in real estate as well.

I'm glad I'm finally on a stable career path. I appreciate this job soo much and I appreciate the people who stood by my side when I didn't have a job.

Friends, family, partner....I love you ALL.

Slipping, falling and crawling out of a hole

So for a year or so I struggled with depression. I couldn't handle not being employed. Financial independence is what I mostly associate success with. Side note: thank you Lex for inspiring me to update my blog.

So last night and today, I started to break down again. I fell into a state of panic and sadness. Truth is employment is the best thing that's happened to me all year. It may even be the best thing to happen to me for all of next year too. I'm working on being more positive and focusing on what can make me smile. This job really makes me happy. I make my own money, I pay my own damn bills. What more could you ask for?

I don't have any friends in the area yet. When I originally moved to Virginia, it was cool because I spent most of time with my partner. I know a couple of people down here but no one I can consistently rely on.

As I spend more time with myself I realize; it's not what I want. I'm using my job as a crutch to escape reality. I'd be happy working five days a week and spending time with family and friends when I'm not working. I don't really have that option. I like the fact that I work weekend because I don't have any friends to hang out with and people to be around.

Today I had an anxiety attack and mild mental breakdown. I need to shake this shit. I'm not going back to that deep, dark place again. I can't afford it. I can't take it.

I just need someone to extend a hand. Someone to be there. To be with me. I'm trying to be happy alone but it's just not me...or not yet. I need the attention of others, I want the attention of others. Won't someone just be my friend?

Ugh....over this shit.